In this huge country where the decline in the number of marriages (and births) has reached a critical level, introducing people with the declared aim of matching them for marriage is considered the simplest and most common way to achieve the goal, without being perceived as an outdated practice. Catholic parishes promote this type of activity. Parental approval is still necessary, but the way of going through with it can become an opportunity for new relationships.

Beijing (AsiaNews) – In China, where the decline in marriages and births is perceived as a social emergency, how are traditional practices of match making changing? And how do Christian communities experience this situation? A source in the People's Republic of China offers AsiaNews a glimpse in this reality.

In China, matching people is a real art, with its own rules and well-established customs. As with many other practices in the country, it blends old traditions and rapid social change.

The ancient custom of arranged marriage has been revisited and upgraded, experienced, not as an imposition, but as a help, an interest, by family members or others. Introducing people with the declared aim of matching them (dàpèi) is considered the simplest and commonest way to achieve the goal, and is not perceived as something archaic.

In this regard, events called Tuōdān huódong (脱单活动) – literally “anti-single” or “escape from loneliness” events – are popular, organised by businesses, universities, associations… and even parishes.

Singles from the same interest group can participate, precisely because having a shared interest is an important basis for being well matched. Usually the invite says whether the number of male and female participants is the same.

A large company or a university will promote socialisation among its employees or students (and even faculty members).

Usually, the activity takes place in a beautiful location and includes games (like in summer camps), preparing lunch together, introducing oneself, moments divided into groups with personal questions, supervised by a master of ceremonies.

In order to have the perfect match, it is important to know how to present one’s traits and know what one is looking for.

The characteristics sought range from classic physical attributes, educational level, job prospects, place of origin, to the more original "MBTI personality",[*] a popular test that looks at 16 distinct personality types and identifies them through acronyms.

Knowing one’s acronym allows people to know who they are and who is more likely to agree with them.

The event is only meant to facilitate meeting, not replace it; interested people can eventually follow up on WeChat, and then time will tell.

China’s Catholic Church has embraced this approach and has promoted events for singles. I have personally participated in some activities organised by parishes. Often parishes have a dedicated service, with a manager (almost always a woman) who collects requests directly from interested parties or parents who put forward their children.

The manager can put two people in direct contact if he or she considers them in agreement or periodically organise activities and send the invitation to those thought to be interested.

This service is considered an integral part of pastoral care, or rather a basic building block in which to invest. In fact, meeting people with whom to share one’s faith is not easy, both because of numbers and because of the low profile – if not secrecy – with which faith is lived.

Pastoral activity and service are an opportunity to let Christians get to know each other and an opportunity to discuss and explore issues related to vocation and family life, as well as a moment to convey the importance of a Christian couple to bear witness in Chinese society.

For this reason, it is possible that during the event a space is set aside for sharing the Word of God, the meditation by a priest or a nun, or the testimony of spouses.

So far everything is linear; the great obstacle, the one where tradition and modernity create friction and shakes the new generations, is not the organising the meeting, but rather parental approval. It is a difficult passage in which the culture of the couple plays out.

In this case, it doesn’t matter if one is Christian or not, from a big city or a village, employed in a big company or mere worker, parental approval is a must. This means that a couple that does not receive approval is bound to fail. This is why many people think, “I might as well have my parents introduce me to someone directly, who is definitely pre-approved.”

Many can tell stories of failed relationships because they did not receive parental approval. San Huan’s story is a lesson to heed about ​​this widespread and “undiscussed” mindset.

San Huan is a young woman from one of the most open cities in China who was dating a young Chinese man, but whose family had emigrated to Canada. Even though she had emigrated too, the man’s mother wanted a Chinese wife for her son, so she sent him to China to look for one.

He met San Huan and the two decided to get married, but she was diagnosed with a chronic disease which meant that there was a chance she might not be able to have children. When the man’s mother heard about it, she did not approve and the two broke up. Three months later, the man married a woman introduced by his mother.

Approval is also necessary for the family of the future bride. This was the case of Guan Yu and Er Jin, young newlyweds who, when they have the opportunity, talk about their experience in parishes.

The two met while serving as altar kids during their university years. She was from the city, while he was from a country village who moved to the city to study.

After dating for some time, they decided to ask for their parents' approval. Her father was against the relationship because he did not want his daughter to marry a man from the country.

The two decided not to give up. Aware of the difficulties, they stayed together trying to "win" her father's approval. As they put it, "after a year and a half of crying, headaches, long discussions,” the father finally relented.

Today they are married and have become aware of the fact that talking about their experience is important to encourage young people not to give up at the first difficulty, that approval is important but not as important as the couple.

From their story we can understand that it is not the approval that is being questioned, but rather the way of understanding and going through with it, noting that the stability or "truth" of the relationship has value.

Parental approval and the way of managing it by both sides is thus a fundamental sociocultural crossroads in which the old and the new can mature and take new paths.

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[*] Myers-Briggs Type Indicator.

• china
• marriage
• matchmaking
• old traditions
• parental approval
• catholic church